My name is bluryface

I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, OCD and have experienced little psychosis. I have on several occasions felt that I lost grip on the reality I live in. This, in turn, led to that I started on very strong antidepressant medications, as strong enough doses also have a positive effect on anxiety and the OCD. On the other side although the drugs takes away these disorders but they also effect the whole range of emotions I have. To begin with, it was good, good to not feel anything. But the lack of positive emotions, lack of emotions at all does something to you.

In response to this internal silence, I found three solutions, three solutions that let me sculpt my emotional life the way I wanted, I could control my own approach to emotions through drugs, alcohol and sex.

Drugs because it allows me to create emotions that are not there, technically speaking fuck even more with the chemistry in my brain, create new images and relationships with the world and people around me. Experiencing peace and reconciliation through cannabis, joy and compassion through MDMA, elation and mastery through cocaine.

Alcohol because it poisons me further, sends me into a fog, creating something new, something less serious. A new form of indifference, removes inhibitions and barriers that still are left, and opens up a new approach to reality.

Sex because it is the most bestial act in humans. Because for a few seconds while I get fucked I can close my eyes and feel this superficial form of intimacy. A kind of illusion that someone is there and that someone cares. Sex because it is the last human act I can offer.

For the exhibition, I will make a film, graphic, but still aesthetically beautiful. I will delve more into numbness and take a look at these aspects I used to feel. To begin with, I would create just a movie but if it falls off right along I want to turn it into an installation.

I think this theme is important because mental health is a growing problem in Norwegian debate. Yet it is the part of healthcare which is the most poorly developed. Antidepressants are a type of medicine widely used and much distributed. And the reality is that if this can happen to me it can happen to others. I believe that a realistic look into the head of a person who is as ill as I am, should be a much more horrifying approach than any graph or national measurement can ever be.

This is about my life, my head. It’s about your life and your head. It’s about medication, it’s about relationships. It’s about an important healthcare slip. It’s about love, it’s about drugs, it’s about feelings, it’s about the society we live in.

But ultimately it’s about me.


Kevin Ruud

22, from Drøbak sleeping in Moss living in Oslo.
Main focus: Art movie-making and fashion photography


I see beauty in the darkest of shadows and that is where my greatest inspiration lies.

«People know that when they come to work with me, it’s going to be nuts you know. But never ugly, I don’t work with ugliness, I never deal with cruelty.»